Southron Humor

This page is solely intended to brighten you day. In no way is anything meant to be taken personally.

You Might be a Yankee If...

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5) You don't know what a moon pie is.

6) You've never had grain alcohol.

7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra.

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.

10) You have no idea what a polecat is.

11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes
over your head.

12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

13) You don't have bangs.

14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get
his own TV fishing show.

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.

18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife
show.

20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at
your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting
on An on*ramp on the highway.

23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the
road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

28) You don't know what appliqued is.

29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within
the context of a football game.

30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,
Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

32) You've never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade.

Your Abbreviated Guide to Proper YankeeTalk

And they say we talk funny?!

If your unfortunate enough to have to visit Yankee Country - like Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this guide may help you understand what they are sayin', (but I doubt it).

heah: Done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah."

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Three Yankees died in a car accident but since the quota for Yankees had already been met St. Peter gave them a chance to go back to earth as anything they wanted.
The first Yankee said ” I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So he was sent back 100 times smarter.
The second Yankee said “I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So he was sent back 1000 times smarter.
The last Yankee decided he would be the best. So he said “make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter”.
So he was sent back as a Southerner !!

Q: How do you keep a northerner from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a Yankee.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, “Ticket, please”.

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their amazement, the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.

“Watch and learn,” answered the three Southern boys in unison. When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.

During world war two, three POWs, a southerner, a Californian, and a Yankee, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the Southerner and stand him in front of the wall.
He points and shouts, “Tornado!” They all run for cover and the American runs away.
Next, they place the Californian in front of the firing squad.
He yells “Earthquake!” They all hit the ground for safety and the Californian escapes.
Next up is the Yankee. He looks around and shouts “Fire!”

After a terrible storm, two Yankees from Boston wanted to make some extra money cutting up trees that had fallen. They go to a chainsaw shop and ask about various chainsaws for their new venture. The salesman takes them straight to the top of the line model. “This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.” He says.

The two yankee boys purchase the chainsaw, take it home, and begin eagerly working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, they are exhausted and decided to quit. “How can we cut for hours and only cut two cords?”, they ask themselves. “So the next day they start early in the morning and cut all day” Still they are only able to cut 5 cords of wood.

Convinced that they were sold a bad saw they went back to the shop to complain. “This is a bad saw” said the smarter of the two yankees. “The dealer told us it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem and it only cuts 5 cords. The dealer, baffled by the yankees claim, removes the chainsaw from the case, pulls the cord and cranks it up. The two yankees jump back and simultaneously say “What the @@!??$ is that noise?”

You Know You’re a Yankee When –

You know you’re a Yankee if -

The farthest south you’ve been is the hat department at Macy’s.

You have a panic attack when someone talks to you on the subway.

You don’t know what Grits are. (Even though they originated in New England.)

You think a Pole Cat is a dude that was born in Poland.

You have to get the last word in. And it normally has 4 letters in it.

The last time you smiled was when you cut off an elderly woman in traffic.

You don’t wave back at people. And your confused at why they would wave at you. Some type of greeting perhaps?

Half of your vocabulary is made up of curse words.

You don’t think any of the jokes on this site are funny.

You own a collection of sweaters for your dog.

You eat fried chicken with a knife an fork.

The state you were born in or live in participated in the war of northern aggression.

You have never driven anywhere without using your horn.

You don’t understand why people in restaurants don’t talk as loud as you.

You consider being polite a weakness.

You’ll hang up on someone but be offended if anyone turns their back to you.

You have no WD-40 or Duct Tape at your home.

You pull over to look at farm animals.

You think a Yankee is a baseball player.

Your son turns down an offer to drive for NASCAR to go to law school.

You call a single family home on a half acre a ranch.

You can’t do your laundry because you ran out of quarters.

All of your friends have only one first name.

It makes you angry that your parents are still alive. And your kids feel the same way.

You buy an expensive car and then park it on the street.

You have had to ask a homeless person to wake up and get out of your car so you can go to work.

You’ve never cooked outside on a grill. Better yet, you’ve never cooked.

You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.

You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.

Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father’s bedroom.

You think okra is a talk show host.

You can be surrounded bye crime and “didn’t see a thing!!”

You didn’t know chickens layed eggs and cows produced milk.

You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.

You think Skoal is a form of punishment.

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to All Visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kickyour ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, LutherRay, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis,etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still just a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shit holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense not to live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Newark. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DON'T DARE come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you snowbirds come down here at all. Criticize our barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer.

The Agriculture representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture representative running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans, and Southerners?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a wild look in his eyes; and a huge knife in his hand comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

What would the ACLU say? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Black Talon Hollow Points??

A Southerner is having breakfast of coffee, grits, biscuits and jam, when a northerner, chewing obnoxiously on gum, sits down next to him. The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Northerner..(After blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we onlyeat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South." The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence. The Northerner persist.."Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Northerner..(Cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. Up North, after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, and transform them into jam, and then send it down South."

Southerner.."We don't. Down South, we put them in a jar, melt them down into bubble gum, and sell them to Yankees."

A few Virginia boys were up in the Blue Ridge hang gliding one day when a couple of yankees came along.

The Virginians assured the yank that there was nothing to it. So they hooked him up, waited on the right wind, and off he went, sailing over the valley just as pretty as you please.

About this time a couple of good ole boys are in the valley hunting. One of them looks up and exclaims, "Bubba, look up yonder at that thing!"

Squinting against the sunlight Bubba sees it and then lets go with a couple rounds.

Bubba squirts out a stream of tobacco juice. "Naw, but I made it drop that damn yankee."

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and the Antarctica in the South will be very cold. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large area and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. That's the SOUTH, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. A truly great people."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE."

God replied wisely..."Wait until you see the loudmouth obnoxious people I'm putting north of them.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 40 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

What's the difference between a yankee and a damned yankee? A yankee comes down here, looks around and goes back up North. A damned yankee comes down here, looks around and stays.

It was another typical day in the flight control tower of a rural Southern airfield as Bubba made his approach for a landing in his single engine Cesna.

"Hello, flight control! This here is Bubba and I'm requestin' clearance to land this thang."

Just then another flight was approaching the airfield from another direction. He too got on the air waves for clearance to land. "Hey, ya'll! This is Jethro. Gimme a runway to land on."

There was a moment of silence before Jethro came back on the air. "Hey! I thought you just gave Runway No. 9 to Bubba?"

The big city salesman pulled his car into the little country gas station for a refill and a RC and moon pie. As he pulled up to the pumps a little old man, the service station attendant, came out of the store and greeted the stranger with a smile. "Fill 'er up?" he asked.

"Sure," said the salesman and with this he went on in the store to get the RC and moon pie while the old man filled up his tank with gas. Coming back outside he noticed an old hound dog laying beside one of the pumps, for all appearances dead to the world. "Does that dog ever move any at all?" asked the salesman.

The old man just grinned. He topped off the tank with gas then pulled the nozzle out and proceeded to pump a little gas into a bowl laying right in front of the old hound dog. To the salesman's astonishment, the dog then proceeded to lap up every bit of gasoline that was in the bowl. All of a sudden the old dog came to life like a firecracker going off. He ran around the gas station 5 or 6 times then tore off down the road at lightening speed only to turn around about a half mile down the road and come back towards the gas station on a dead run. Getting back to the station the dog came up to the pumps and then suddenly stopped and fell over and just layed there.

The old man started chuckling out loud. "Naw!" he said with a grin. "He's just out of gas."

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "